Why #ITalkSex – A post about my experience with female sexuality and sex education
Photograph by @exposing40
BLOG POST UPDATE – not only was this post BANNED on Facebook – it was chosen as a featured post in ELUST! Woop! 🙂 peaks n troughs, huh? We’ll get there gals 🙂
I was on Twitter the other night and was following some @ScarletLadies chat – they are doing this fantastic project called I Talk Sex to encourage women to speak up about sex and sexuality. I am so glad I stumbled across this wonderful campaign – I’m annoyed with myself I didn’t see it earlier, but I guess we find things at the exact moment we need to.
I think it is of huge importance that we talk about this. A friend of mine with a daughter who had sex-ed class at school told me how masturbation was talked about but only in reference to boys. I was stunned. Still? I’m sure things are changing, they have to be, and not all schools will be the same but anyway…
When I was fourteen, we had ‘the talk’ at school. A nurse came along and talked about sex education. I was furious. It might as well have been, ‘procreation education’ or more accurately, ‘don’t have sex unless you want a baby and to be honest, why the hell would you if you’re female as there’s nothing to gain from it apart from unwanted pregnancy, education’.
Even then I knew this was all wrong. As someone who masturbated to climax to relax at night for as long as I have existed (or as long as my memory) with quite in depth sexual fantasies – at times terrifying in their graphic nature, I was craving information and at the very least, acknowledgement that sex is more than baby making.
Males needed sexual release, women, well, what about women? There seemed to be no mention of female sexual desire. It made me feel awful. It made me feel ashamed. Somewhere deep inside I felt the rage and for a small moment let it surface when I put my hand up and asked, “What’s the point then? What’s the point in having sex if you don’t want a baby?”
There were sniggers from kids and some mumbled words about ‘raging hormones’ from the biology teacher but no, ‘because it feels amazing!’ or ‘because it’s exciting’ or ‘because it’s natural and normal and you can explore your own body and mind in many wonderful and safe ways’.
I needed to be told that my strange fantasies of being kidnapped and stared at while tied up were ok. I wasn’t bad. It was a fantasy. I needed to know that exploring my own body and bringing myself to orgasm was a normal, healthy pursuit. I wasn’t a pervert. I wasn’t a bad person. I wasn’t disgusting.
I was very lucky to have an open minded mother where we discussed most topics but still, there are things you need to hear from others, whether that’s your peer group or trusted adults or authority figures.
I knew that other kids in that class wouldn’t have such frank conversations about sex with their parents and I was so angry that they would be denied that too.
Indeed, if any of the girls ever talked about liking sex, or god forbid, touching themselves, it was an absolute taboo. She was banded a perv, a slag or a lezzer(!) and shunned by the other girls! Can you imagine?
My eyes are rolling so hard right now. So this is why #ITalkSex
Not only did they do an injustice to females, they also did to the males in the class. They never explained the beauty of mutual arousal, female sexual pleasure or even consent to the boys. I’m sure it is much better now.
So I support you Scarlet Ladies – I think you are bloody brilliant!
#ITalkSex because I do sex – alone and with my partner. #ITalkSex because I write it and feel it. #ITalkSex because it’s not bad to imagine a roomful of men jizzing over your tits! Or to do it! #ITalkSex because I am in awe of being alive and the incredible things our bodies can do. #ITalkSex because you should not feel ashamed.
It has taken me many years to be this confident about my sexuality – it began by writing and publishing saucy tales. Now this blog is a place to write about fantasies and explore my mind and body in many ways with words and images.
Of course confidence comes with maturity too and I understand that, but I wonder how much sooner I would have achieved sexual confidence had more education and open discussion been available.
Here’s a very similar blog I wrote a few years ago elaborating a bit more – with some really good reader comments – Sex Chat
A word about the brilliant photographer – and that photo which I can’t quite believe is me
As I live and grow I am lucky enough to meet many wonderful sex positive people, one of whom is Exposing 40. Ms 40 runs a body positive photography project. I have taken part twice and the image above declares everything about my joy at being a living sexual being. I can’t thank her enough for making me feel so comfortable in my own skin, a thing I didn’t feel until very recently.