I Don’t Like Talking About It

I Don’t like talking about my mental health.

*TW mental health*

I don’t like that I am ashamed of it. I am blessed with a sunny disposition that is easy to show while I’m among others – it’s just when I’m alone that it gets blotted out my another me.

A dark me that is ashamed of all that I am when I’m in the darkness. A wallowing pitiable mess. How can I be so indulgent and pathetic with such a beautiful world around me. Beautiful people.

I’m a sex blogger – I can’t think of anything worse than sex right now. It makes my skin crawl to think of anything remotely erotic.

That’s the how crippling it is. I’ve sabotaged myself so completely that I hate all that usually brings me pleasure.

My dreams are violent and destructive. My house has rotten beams and walls crumble to rubble. I’m being fucked and I’m coming hard but the curtains are open and everyone sees. Black soot cascades from the chimney and blocks my breath. I gasp. I gasp. Then chastise myself for being so pathetic.

I reach out my hand and withdraw it before I can ask for help.

You put your hand on my hair to comfort me but it feels like bone scraping on my dry skull. The sound of it pierces my amygdala and splinters through my soul.

And now I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed to hit publish. Like too many posts before, it will remain in the drafts because, who wants to read this? It is not a cry for help, I don’t want or need advice or help – I have had this my entire life, I know what to do. It comes in waves. Sometimes daily, sometimes hourly.

It’s just been a long few months.

So why would I hit publish? It’s not a positive message to inspire. It’s not a call for help. It’s not entertaining, sexy, smiley, light, fun or anything else that I expect from myself.

It just is.

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15 thoughts on “I Don’t Like Talking About It

  1. Sending so much love your way, Tabitha. I don’t know that words help when you’re feeling this way. I do know that you sharing it helps others, myself included, to realize we are not alone in dark feelings that we don’t show the world, even if they aren’t exactly the same. You are beautiful and kind and I love you. xxx

    1. Thank you so much Maria – you don’t need to know any words – the fact that you commented anyway is so lovely – and whenever I think of your beautiful face, I smile, so, thank you for being you x x

  2. Oh Tabitha, what a powerful post, so much intense emotion conveyed and conflict described and such an accessible way. Yes reading the content is like ripping plasters off raw, tender skin and I hate to think of your psyche doing this to you. I wish a soft touch, a kind word, a hug of encouragement could help because you know there are hundreds of us lining up round the block to give you those, and anything else you need.

    I hope you find your way out of this soon, and I pray you don’t slip back into this fuge again anytime soon, but my darling you have done a wonderful, generous thing by posting this, because it will help others who feel similar destructive, negative thoughts.
    Big love to you xoxo

    1. Thank you so much Marie – this community is just so wonderful and supportive, and you are one of the most incredibly kind people in it x x

  3. I don’t like talking about mine either. We all get there at times, in that bad space. Don’t withdraw your hand, T. (I don’t know how to make a heart here or I would)

    p.s. love the photo of you with your books on your head.

  4. Sometimes it is good to get things out there – to be heard I suppose. It is brave to let others know, so in my opinion that is a positive step.
    Be good to yourself lovely woman xx

    1. Thank you May – I haven’t deleted it and feel good about that! Mainly because of lovely comments like yours x x

  5. I feel for you. I’m glad you pushed the publish button. Not everything has to be entertaining, funny, or sexy. Some things are simply real. Sending hugs and kisses. xo

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