Oh-Oh-OH! Christmas Tree

Oh-Oh-OH! Christmas Tree

Well my darlings, it’s a happy time indeed

The Euphoff is BACK for Christmas!

Thanks to dear Livvy for cheering us all up with horrorsome erotica of the worst kind, and hosting the competition to find the baddest sex writing and Christmas romance ever!

Please go and read my previous post with a gloriously euphemistic tale from Jayne Gilbert, Down The Chimney – you can imagine… 🙂

And so to my own entry (matron)… please, sit back, relax, make sure you have a box of tissues ready cos YOU’LL BE NEEDING THEM, and enjoy this beautiful Christmas romance…

Oh-Oh-OH! Christmas Tree

Based on a very recent true story

Sophia hurried into B&Q just before closing time.

She wasn’t usually keen on a man in a facemask and elf hat but something about the way he was plunging the thick trunks through the gaping orifice of the netting machine had her all a quiver.

She waited quietly behind a large stack of less than healthy Christmas trees, she felt sorry for them and decided she’d buy one, just so she could watch his manly hands working manlily around the around the cut shaft.

Once the queue had finally diminished Sophia sashayed out of her hiding place and approached the elf-man.

“I say,” she began, “You wouldn’t like to show me your Norwegian Spruce would you?”

The manelf eyed her up and down, taking in every bit of her and Sophia pushed her Christmas baubles into view. “I’ve got these…” she added, giving him a right eyeful.

“Aye, well, I’ve got my best wood round the back,” he said and Sophia nibbled at her lip.

“Don’t we all,” she said, following.

“Actually, we’ve been suffering with needle drop this year…” The masked manly manelf looked back at Sophia raising an eyebrow.

“Well, my my, that is a pity.” They paused and manelf opened a Staff Only gate, ushering her though. She brushed past quite close considering the 2m restriction. “Though, I’ve heard, the best cure for needle drop is plenty of lubrication.” She said as they passed, “You’ve got to keep the trunk good and moist to allow the cells to plump and become engorged.”

The manelf nodded slowly and licked his lips.

“In my opinion, the wetter the better…” she added and trailed her hand across the drooping fronds.

“I might agree with you there.” Manelf began to undo his belt and Sophia eagerly dropped her drawers, bending at the waist and lifting her winter coat to expose her rump.

“I think you’ll find my furrow is recently watered and good and deep with nutrition.”
She kept her eyes ahead and mask in place to make sure no germs were passed then braced herself for elfman’s wood.

“And I’ll think you’ll find my needle is in no danger of dropping today.”

And with that, he shunted his thick branch into her welcoming pot as easily as he’d pushed his trees through the binding machine hole. He gave a nice twist to ensure a good tight fit then tied off his end before she barely closed around him.

Righting herself, Sophia couldn’t help feeling she’d been cheated a little.

“Well I must say, that was rather… efficient.”

The elfman pulled out the biggest thickest juiciest fir she’d ever seen.

“This is my prize spruce. Look at the shaft and tight pointed buds on each limb. You can take this.”

He eyed the tree fondly and Sophia felt quite touched.

“Thank you. No chance of needle drop with this one then I presume?” She winked.

“No chance at all,” he said, wrapping his fist around the thick shaft and carried the tree strongly and manly to the binding machine ramming it home while Sophia quivered behind him.

Don’t you just LOVE a Christmas romance? 😀

Be sure to indulge your craving and follow through to more terrible erotica…

a coffee bean wearing a christmas hat with Bad Erotica #euphoff written on for Christmas Romance story

Why not treat yourself to some of my books or Jayne’s Books for Christmas! (this post is no ad for them…) All available in ebook format so no disappointing wait!

Thanks for popping by – I LOVE the Euphoff here’s some horrors from previous competitions…

x x x

4 thoughts on “Oh-Oh-OH! Christmas Tree

  1. As a Christmas tree salesman I can honestly say this is the best story I have ever read in my life!! 😀 😀

  2. Oh-Oh-Oh, Tabitha, this is epic. The Norwegian Spruce and cut shaft lines just about did me in. Truly magnificent. Jane xxx

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