Deep Breath… I’ll Never Be Ready to Share This…
Orgasms save me from myself
*Trigger warning – mental health, body dysmorphia, demons*
*Blog Update – This post was chosen as an Elust 106 Top 3*
I have been completely rocked to my core this month. As you can see I haven’t written a blog post since the 7th April.
*Inserting that trigger warning again- see above*
I do the #30DayOrgasmFun to boost my mental health – I’m overjoyed some folk join in and find it positive and fun – see the original post here with lots of fab links to all sorts of experiences (good and bad, but joyfully, mainly good!).
My mental health has always been a fucking troublesome pain in my soul. Always. I have a whole other blog to write one day on invasive thoughts and how I only worked out this year that I actually have pretty serious OCD – but not the neat and tidy kind, the invasive chaotic WTF kind. Lucky Me – but that is for another time…
This post is about how my mental health intertwines with my physical health.
Before I go on, I feel brave enough to post this because of Kayla Lords and her powerful, raw and honest blog, I’m Not Ready To Love My Body . Please read it.
So about half way through my #30DayOrgasmFun – which was going well, I was going through some old photos and came across these:
I can’t begin to tell you how it affected me. I broke down and shook. When I think back to my feelings at the moment the photos were taken, I could cry (and I have). The love of my life had just given me that beautiful lingerie and I was trying it on. I have to explain, my mind and body are cruel to each other. It’s only by seeing this photo with the benefit of years in between that I see now that I really do have body dysmorphia.
In my mind back in that moment, I felt I was a hideous creature, I’d seen a bloated body being hauled out of the Water of Leith and that’s how I saw myself. A purple mottled monster, swollen and distorted. Not like a person at all. More like a strange walking cadaver. I rarely looked in the mirror and destroyed any photos of myself. I’m not sure how these remained. I *knew* how I looked, I didn’t need a photo to record or witness the horrors.
I have been grieving the loss of that vibrant youthful beauty that I had and didn’t know. I fucking hate that demons infiltrated and multiplied in my cells and synapses. Fuck that torment. That self-abuse. How it must have broken the heart of my lover who bought me beautiful things and I awkwardly tried them once, then hid them, pulling on the baggy black jumpers and DMs.
Fuck.
Then sometimes out of nowhere, I would say fuck that and pull on my feathers and tiaras, high heels and mini-skirts and rock the partaaaayyy. Those were exhilarating times but came with a crash.
So why did I gravitate towards erotica, a thing that involves loving your body, being loved, talking about touch, sensuality and all the ways our bodies intertwine?
Well, through all my mental torment, from when I was a tiny girl, there’s one place where I feel absolute zen. One place I feel content, happy, at peace. And that place is my orgasm.
When I feel the darkness flitting at the periphery, I often forget my place of safety. My libido drops, the shadows gather and I go cold.
The worst thing about having mental health issues is that at the very end of everything, medication, therapy, whatever, there’s no magic wand. You have to go to the place deep inside and pull yourself out. You are the one that has to do that. It’s a fight.
It was never suggested to me that orgasms could be as a therapeutic option. That’s why, last year when I had a mood dip, I remembered one of my books, Taking Flight, is basically all about how Oxcytocin is a magical thing that connects us all at a very deep, profound and spiritual level, that I thought to myself, that’s it, I’m prescribing myself daily orgasms to lift my mood.
For me, it works. But because self-sabotage is a huge part of my problem, I fall off the orgasm wagon a lot. I know it’s good for me, I absolutely LOVE it, so therefore, I stop.
That’s why I went public with the 30 days, being careful not to call it a challenge – I know we are a lot of fragile souls and orgasms are hard enough for some people without the added pressure of calling it a challenge FFS. But if I went public, I would be more likely to keep going.
I’m posting this today and I am shaking as I write. Should I hit ‘publish’? This blog is meant to be a place you come to escape your lives and indulge in some erotica and maybe peruse some sexy images. I want you to come here to feel looked after and happy. I want you to leave feeling happy and fulfilled (with having perhaps purchased a sexy book or certain saddle style vibrator 😉 ).
So my 30 Days Journey has been quite profound this year. For a few days after I found the photos, I did not touch my body at all. But a week ago I decided to start again. And I can say with absolutely no doubt in my mind that orgasms heal me.
Orgasms soothe me, make me feel whole.
Orgasms save me from myself.
And I want to thank everyone who has taken part and used the #30DayOrgasmFun hashtag – it brought me back to my place of peace to see you all there.
I want to also say that joining body positive projects like Sinful Sunday and Exposing Forty’s photography project has also given me love of my body and I am so grateful that I found this place on the internet.
The header photo is one of my favourite taken by Ms Exposing 40 – she is truly a champion of body positivity and a woman I love and adore inside and out.
Love you x x x
Hugs and love, my darling. Well done you for putting this out there. I bet it will help so many people who read it.
And thank you for 30 Day Orgasm Fun. I’ve loved joining in. I’ve found out new things about me and my body by joining in.
Keep going, you are enough, you are more than enough. <3
Thank you so much Victoria – I love that you are doing the 30 days – though, did I really read that tweet correctly and you had 25 orgasms in one session? Giiiiiirl, hot damn! 🙂 x x x
Such a moving post . . .
I can only echo your “Orgasms soothe me, make me feel whole.” . . . and “I want to also say that joining body positive projects like Sinful Sunday and Exposing Forty’s photography project has also given me love of my body and I am so grateful that I found this place on the internet.”
May your #30DayOrgasmFun carry on and bring us all fun and strength!!!
Xxx – K
Aww thank you Miss Modesty – you are one of my go-to blogs to boost my joie-de-vivre. Your passion and rambunctious joy of your physically truly empowers and inspires me x x x
Please know that the #30DayOrgasmFun has been very meaningful to me this month, even though I have not had an orgasm every day. Actually, I think that might be just the reason why it was so meaningful, because it made me realize that it’s not about the orgasm, but the connection with my body, with my feelings, with me. I have been running away from myself for too long after all that has happened last year, and this month has brought me back in touch with myself, if only a little bit. I think I will continue with the #30DayOrgasmFun beyond April. Thank you for putting this ‘challenge’ out there. For me it was a challenge, not to see how many orgasms I can have, but to challenge myself to look at the feelings I have been pushing away for far too long. I still have a long road to go. Baby steps…
Rebel xox
Marie – I adore your posts – they are always so raw, moving, searching and sensual. Your honesty always grips me and I thank you for letting us in. Being human is amazing and so complicated! Lots of love to you sweet Marie x I’m so glad the 30 days helped bring you back into your self.
I do love you you know. I love your perky bravery in the sight of such demons, your glorious laugh and your engaging smile. Such warmth emanates from you for others and I hope it will warm you as much as us x
Thank you so much darling Eye – this is such a beautiful comment. I’m very lucky because even though these feelings exist, they do live alongside a huge ball of exuberance at the miracle of simply being alive. So I’m always thrilled by just about everything life has to try and experience. Thank you and so much love to you. You have the warmest most comforting voice and I often hear it in my head when I read your words x x x
O gosh, your post is so touching. You have been so honest and open and that is brave and you’ve made us all feel stronger by sharing, just as the post you found inspirational (Kayla’s) did for you. We all have awkward moments about our body image or what our mouth says or our mind thinks – but those are moments, you have obviously struggled on a far greater level and I hope – for the majority of the time – you are out of that black hole.
If it’s any boost, I look up to you as the kind of blogger, multi-tasker, free-spirited motivated person I’d like to be. Keep being that part of Tabitha and kick the other fragments of you to the kerb! Thank you for sharing xx
Oh Posy thank you – I absolutely love that assessment – multi-tasker and free-spirited! How lush – I often call it chaotic and disorganised – but from now on I’m using your words. 😉
Thank you so much for this lovely comment – it truly was a big boost x x
Extremely honest post. As a fellow sufferer I totally understand the two places. Orgasms are an amazing healer. I try to challenge myself when the clouds appear and being in the pleasure zone really does lift the spirit. Exercise and walking also lift the clouds. As a man maybe I should not be intruding but I feel so good reading the thoughts of you beautiful ladies. Please keep positive and keep up the excellent work. It is therapy for us all xx
Thank you Happyplayer – a lovely comment for me to read – sorry you suffer too, but also very pleased you found the healing joy! We’ve just got to remember to keep on coming 😉
x x x
Tabitha, as you know from my last post I have been battling the demons too. And this post really spoke to me particularly where you discuss those self destructive urges “it’s good for me so I stop”. Thank you so much for this and sending love xx
Hey Eve, I know you do battle too. It’s so lovely to have people that understand and identify with what I’m saying but it also brings me sadness at the same time. I don’t want anyone else to feel these things… I love your honesty and the way you share your experiences – so inspiring x x x
I am glad that you had the courage to hit publish as I think your post is really important. As someone who struggles with body issues I can relate easily to what you have written about. I have fought my own thoughts for years and not really managed to counteract them, more to push them down and try to hide them. They have lived in the background with me for so long and would push to the surface, controlling what I could and couldn’t do. My behaviour now is more on the level of unproductive and negative rather than the destructive way it was in the past. I think that we make slow progress and don’t always recognise that and feel the sense of achievement that we should. I wasn’t able to complete the orgasm project in the way that I hoped, and I will write about that, but it has been helpful and illuminating and has been a positive none the less. missy x
I have loved your interaction and lovely ‘dribbles’ Missy – really fantastic. I’m glad it was a positive experience for you x x x